Editor’s Note: The following article by Ali Loprete was published as part of the Young Lawyers Division newsletter Dictum, which is distributed to members of the Young Lawyers Division. To learn more about joining a section of the New Jersey State Bar Association, email us at [email protected].About a year ago, a woman walked into my office and said, "I envy you." I thought I heard her wrong. "Excuse me?"
"I envy you," she repeated. "I wanted to grow up and practice corporate law but I became pregnant with my daughter my sophomore year of college and dropped out."
I had no idea how to respond. I felt uncomfortable, entitled, and somehow guilty. I was speaking to someone who had felt forced to give up on a dream, as I was sitting in the midst of mine. The framed diplomas, awards, and jury verdicts I had proudly hung on my office wall now seemed like an arrogant gesture. I fidgeted and blurted, "I heard corporate law isn't that fun anyway."
What a stupid thing to say, I thought. All I had done was insulted her dream job. After our meeting was over, I spent the better part of an hour thinking of all the other things I could have said. I could have changed the subject and asked her what she did end up doing. I could have focused on the positives and asked to learn more about her daughter. I could have told her it's not too late, many women go to law school later in life for exactly the same reason. Or, I could have simply apologized that she was put in that situation and forced to make such a difficult decision, a decision I never had to make.
Even when I got home that night I couldn't shake the feeling. I wondered why 1 felt so guilty and responsible for what had happened to this woman. Maybe I felt remorse because I knew there was nothing I could do to fix it for her. As lawyers, and equally so as mothers and daughters, often our first instinct is to fix; to find the most efficient and effective solution, and then undertake a prevention plan so it doesn't happen again. It was too late for me to fix this for her. How could I prevent it from happening to others? There were, I presumed, millions of other women out there who had to make the same decision, who had to choose between family and education, between their children and a career, between two equally important and cherished dreams. My guilt turned to anger: Why couldn't she have both?
I always assumed that I could have both. I never thought it would be easy, or that it would come naturally, but I also never planned for the unexpected. I looked up to women like Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Sheryl Sandberg, who did manage to have both a lovely family and an extraordinarily successful career. My mom did it too, and so did her mom before her. Neither was highly educated, nor had highly lucrative careers, but they were happy- they did what they always dreamed of doing. I never contemplated any alternative. I simply dreamt that I wanted to be a trial lawyer, and then I became one.
Of course, I accomplished this dream with heavy support from both male and female family members. My father left the picture early and only returned in brief spurts to antagonize us. But my grandfather stepped up, telling me l could be anything I wanted, taking me out for ice cream sundaes when l got all As on my report card, and cooking dinner for me and my little sister as my mom worked late into the night because the child support checks never appeared.
The fact that I am where I am today-as the only female attorney in a male-dominated firm-is a testament to the positive changes that have occurred. Law school enrollment is now higher for women than men. The law now makes it explicitly illegal to discriminate against someone because they are female or pregnant. Women have the right to be evaluated on their merits and not their looks. More and more businesses offer their employees flexible working hours, reasonable maternity leave, and insurance plans that cover reproductive health. But these changes only happened because women took action. Although it took a lot of time and a lot of effort, eventually lawmakers, judges, and the court of public opinion realized that the ways of the past needed to change.
Nevertheless, there is still work to be done. This truth had been right in front of me, but I hadn't really seen it. Rarely a week goes by where I am not mistaken for an assistant or a court reporter. I'm not insulted by this; I'm just perplexed. I can't help but notice that this is something that never happens to my male counterparts, and probably never will. Even after the last half- century of headway for women's rights, women still face obstacles when it comes to access to education, fairness in the workplace, retaining their reproductive rights, and the intersection between all three. The realities of money, time, and available support generally govern a woman's opportunities and decisions in all of these areas. There is still a pay gap, childcare is expensive, and workplace norms remain rigidly in favor of men. Women are still sexually harassed in the workplace, retaliated against for speaking up, and fired for refusing sexual advances. Mothers are demoted or squeezed out for carrying or caring for children. Even if a woman manages to navigate a career without being confronted with these significant obstacles, she is sure to endure the smaller slights that accompany working while female.
I am certainly not saying that all these challenges confront every woman, and I would never suggest that the woman who walked into my office made the wrong choice. Rather, it was a decision that had to be made in the first place, and an opportunity that was lost. She was kept from the career she wanted both before and after she had a family. It's a decision that many of our mothers and grandmothers had to face, which made their obstacles to success and happiness so difficult to overcome. Many of them didn't have the benefit of a support system or a guy like my grandfather, a sad fact that continues to be true for many modern millennial women across our country.
The point is not that women are faced with harder choices and more difficult circumstances; it's that many people don't appreciate the significance of how much a woman's life can be altered by having to constantly face these challenges. 1 know I didn't. History shows the challenges women face in the workplace and when building careers are less likely to confront men. Yet, the overwhelming majority of legislators, politicians, and judges in this country are male. If I, a young, female professional, did not fully recognize how the choices and challenges women face can alter their lives indefinitely, how could they? For women, there is an important message here: The fight for awareness and change isn't over-it's really just begun.
Alexandra Laprete is an associate at O'Connor, Parsons, Lane & Noble, LLC in Springfield, where she focuses on personal injury and medical malpractice cases. This article was originally published in the New Jersey Women Lawyers Association's 11th Annual WILL Platinum Gala journal, March 20, 2018.