Editor’s Note: The following article by Sheryl J. Seiden was published in the latest issue of New Jersey Family Lawyer, a publication of the New Jersey State Bar Association and distributed to members of the Family Law Section. To read the rest of the articles in Vol. 39, No. 4, March 2020 issue, log in to the Family Law Section at njsba.com. To learn more about joining a section of the New Jersey State Bar Association, email us at [email protected]
As family lawyers, we are entrusted with the responsibility of assisting our clients during the most difficult time in their lives. Not only do we provide legal guidance for our clients, but we also nurture our clients through life-altering decisions. The practice is demanding, the hours are long, the work is hard, and the stress level is off the charts. We are charged with the constant task of problem solving for our clients. As such, it is easy to get caught up in our clients’ immediate need for help at the sacrifice of ourselves.
According to the American Psychology Association, lawyers are 3.6 times more likely to suffer from depression than non-lawyers and substance abuse rates are much higher in the legal profession and the general population.[1] As lawyers, we are trained to be pessimistic thinkers.[2] While this way of thinking may lead to higher success within our practice, it also has its detriments. Recognizing that the demands of our profession makes us suspectable to depression and substance abuse, it is even more important that we take steps to avoid against these adversities.
The first step in exercising self-care is to have self-compassion.[3] Self-compassion requires us to be kind and understanding to ourselves even during difficult times, rather than judging and critiquing ourselves for the various inadequacies or shortcomings that we encounter. Self-compassion requires a recognition that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties are inevitable, and are part of one’s career path. Self-compassion also requires us to be willing to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that we have mindful awareness. In order to be able to exercise self-compassion, one must also take steps to manage one’s schedule and enhance one’s self-care.
Some practice tips to better manage your schedule:
- Set boundaries.Don’t overextend yourself. It is hard to say ‘no’ to a client, colleague or your boss. Learn how to recognize when your plate is full and to explain your timeline for being able to complete the task at hand. I encourage young lawyers to ask their superiors for guidance on how best to prioritize their work when their plates are full.
- Set realistic timelines. We all know that assignments often take longer than expected. Recognize the timeline for completing these projects and start early. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t leave them to the last minute. Don’t be unrealistic in your beliefs of when you can produce a completed project.
- Set realistic expectations. Avoid promising something to a client or a boss that you know will require you to infringe on your time to meet this deadline. Be realistic about when you can complete the task at-hand during working hours. Make promises that provide you with a cushion. If you deliver earlier than expected, you exceed expectations, and if not, you at least meet them.
- Allocate time in your schedule. As you excel in your career, you will spend more and more time out of the office attending court conferences, motion hearings, four-way meetings, client meetings and mediations. This leaves less time in your office to do the work that is required to prepare for the next court conference, motion hearing, four-way meeting, client meeting and mediation. In order to do so, it is important to block off time in your schedule one day or two prior to the scheduled event to prepare. Consider blocking off time in your schedule to draft the motion papers, court submissions or mediation statements. By allocating the time in your schedule for these assignments, you help achieve the work-life balance that we should all strive to achieve.
- Speak up. If you find yourself in a situation where you cannot deliver the work product to a boss or client as promised, speak up as soon as possible. Requesting another day to complete the project might be completely acceptable. You do not know until you ask. There are real emergencies and self-imposed emergencies created by false deadlines. Be cognizant that your boss and/or the client will need time to read the document that you prepare prior to submitting it so you must also not let your last minute production of the document create unnecessary stress on your boss and/or client by providing them with the document at the last minute.
Some tips to exercise self-care:
- Take a daily break from technology.Set a time each day when you completely disconnect. Put away your laptop, stop checking your phone, and stop checking email. Consider having a parking station outside of your bedroom for your electronic devices to avoid the instinctive need to check your email, social media and texts immediately prior to going to bed, the minute you wake up or even worse, in the middle of the night. Let’s face it, nothing good comes from those first morning emails. Get yourself ready before you prepare to confront those demanding emails.
- Nourish your creative side.Creativity is a powerful antidote to help reduce your stress. Try something new, start a fun project, or resume a favorite hobby. Choose activities that have nothing to do with work or whatever is causing your stress. Last fall, the Family Law Section’s Young Lawyer Subcommittee (YLS) had an event at AR Workshop in Westfield, where those who attended made a wood project. Last Spring, YLS hosted an event at Stumpy’s Hatchet House in Fairfield where lawyers had the opportunity to throw axes at a target. Not only were these a great social event but they served as great stress relievers.
- Set aside relaxation time. Relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation, and deep breathing activate the body’s relaxation response, a state of restfulness that is the opposite of the stress response. Find a relaxation technique that works for you and make it part of your daily routine.
- Get plenty of sleep.Sleep helps to boost your immune system and allows you to make decisions with clarity. It is important to prioritize sleep just as much as you prioritize your work.
- Make exercise a priority. Take care of your body. Exercise improves mood, increases energy, and sharpens focus.
- Support your mood and energy levels by eating a healthy diet. Minimize sugar and refined carbohydrates. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables, and lean meat can have a huge impact on your mood and energy levels throughout the day. Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water.
- Enjoy your downtime. It is important to disconnect in the evenings, on the weekends and especially during vacations. By disconnecting, you allow your body to regenerate providing more fuel to get you through your work day in a productive manner.
The lack of self-care can result in the constant stress that can lead to burnout, a problem that we want to save our lawyers from encountering. When constant stress has one feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands, you may be on the road to burnout. Burnout is referred to as “a disease of disengagement.”[4] It is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. The unhappiness and detachment caused by burnout can threaten your job, your relationships, and your health. By recognizing the earliest warning signs, you can take steps to prevent it.
Signs and symptoms of burnout
Let’s face it, we all have difficult days. Distinguishing between a hard day and the road to burnout requires an examination of the core symptoms of burnout, which include (a) fatigue regardless of how much someone rests or sleeps, (b) a feeling that nothing really matters, (c) a sense that no progress or gain is being made regardless of someone’s significant efforts, and (d) a lack of attention.[5] If you experience these symptoms on a frequent basis, then it may be time to seek professional help to avoid burnout.
Burnout is a gradual process. It does not happen overnight, but it can creep up on you. The signs and symptoms are subtle at first, typically becoming worse as time goes on. Think of the early symptoms as red flags indicating there is something wrong that needs to be addressed. If you pay attention and actively reduce your stress, you can prevent a major breakdown. If you ignore them, you may eventually burn out.
It is important to recognize the difference between burnout and stress.
Burnout may be the result of unrelenting stress, but it isn’t the same as too much stress. Stress, by and large, involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you, physically and mentally. However, stressed people can still imagine that if they can just get everything under control, they’ll feel better.
Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough. Being burned out means feeling empty and mentally exhausted, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. People experiencing burnout often don’t see any hope of positive change in their situations. If excessive stress feels like you’re drowning in responsibilities, burnout is a sense of being all dried up. And while you’re usually aware of being under a lot of stress, you don’t always realize when you are experiencing burnout.
Utilize the tools available to help you.
The New Jersey State Bar Association (NJSBA) has many outlets for ensuring that its members exercise self-care to reduce stress and avoid burning out from the profession. Several years ago, the Family Law Section introduced Jersey Strong at our section retreats, which has included morning yoga, a walk/runs, and bike rides throughout the city where the retreat is held. We will continue the Jersey Strong campaign at this year’s Family Law Retreat in Nashville.
NJSBA also offers a meditation center and stress relief centers at the annual meeting in Atlantic City.
You can also take advance of social and networking events offered by our section or by NJSBA. Not only is this a great way to mingle with colleagues, but these events help serve as a stress reliever for many.
The New Jersey Lawyers Assistance Program (NJAP) is an organization that is a confidential resource for lawyers in need. The confidential nature of the NJAP was promulgated by the Supreme Court of New Jersey with the enactment of Rule 1:28B-3 which requires that all records of the organization be maintained confidential and that “[i]n no event, however, shall the identity of program clients be disclosed in the above reports.”
The mission statement of NJAP is as follows: “The New Jersey Lawyers Assistance Program is the free and confidential resource assisting all NJ Lawyers, Judges, Law Students, and Law Graduates achieve and maintain personal and professional well being.” The vision of NJAP is clearly intended to assist legal professionals as it provided: “Never again will a New Jersey Lawyer, Judge, or Law Student have to say,’There Was Nowhere to Turn.’"
You can find out more information about NJLAP at njlap.org. If you feel that you may benefit from professional assistance in managing your stress or avoiding burnout, I encourage you to take advantage of this complimentary confidential program.
As we are charged with taking care of our clients, we must ensure that we maintain the foundation within ourselves. Having witnessed two workaholic family members experience life-threatening medical issues over the last several months, it made me really understand the importance of taking care of oneself in order to ensure that the foundation for the support that we provide to others is strong. With the new year upon us, I am hopeful that you will join me in exercising the art of self-care. If you do not take care of yourself, no one else will. Your clients, friends, and family need you, and you need to build the foundation in yourself before you can help care for others.
Sheryl J. Seiden is the founding partner of Seiden Family Law, LLC in Cranford. She is the chair of the Family Law Section of the New Jersey State Bar Association. She is a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, New Jersey chapter and she is a member of the Matrimonial Lawyers’ Alliance.
Endnotes
[1] Jenna Cho. Attorney suicide: What every lawyer needs to know. ABA Journal, Jan. 1, 2019.
2 Id.
3 The author thanks Wendy Van Besien, a leadership and resilience coach, on the guidance and knowledge that she provided in preparing this article.
4 Kate Managan. How to Recognize and Prevent Lawyer Burnout. Lawyerist. August 1, 2019.
5 Id.
[1] Jenna Cho. Attorney suicide: What every lawyer needs to know. ABA Journal, Jan. 1, 2019.
[2] Id.
[3] The author thanks Wendy Van Besien, a leadership and resilience coach, on the guidance and knowledge that she provided in preparing this article.
[4] Kate Managan. How to Recognize and Prevent Lawyer Burnout. Lawyerist. August 1, 2019.
[5] Id.